Building upon a leader’s questions about how to “handle team members who stir up trouble,” in this article, I will answer, “How do you set healthy boundaries?” with key boundary-setting principles:
- Setting boundaries is healthy. If your idea of an ideal relationship is one in which no boundaries are needed, one where people automatically treat you well all the time and according to your standards and values, then you have the wrong expectations of relationships. In all healthy relationships, boundaries must be clarified and sometimes enforced, though enforcing a boundary seldom requires force.
- Boundary-setting does not have to come across abrasively. The best boundary-setters are those who set a boundary and you don’t even realize they just did. How do they do that? They don’t resort to force to achieve their goal. It takes practice and maturity to learn how this should be done. Subsequently, all that is needed are reminders. If, however, we allow a situation to fester too long and we become fed up, we are at risk to react with emotional outbursts or resort to using force—or worse yet, we just severe the relationship.
- Setting boundaries does not have to be awkward. Many consider it a badge of honor to have the courage to confront someone, even if it’s awkward. No one likes an awkward interaction. If your conversations make people squirm in their seats, they will not want to have more of these conversations. You will not want to either. So bypass awkward boundary-setting conversations when you can by using wisdom to make your communication comfortable while remaining clear.
- It is okay if setting boundaries gets awkward. While awkward conversations should be avoided anytime possible, sometimes boundary-setting gets awkward anyway. When that happens, just say it. What I am advising here is to aim for comfortable conversations as much as you can, but be okay if it becomes awkward.
- Choose the best words. Don’t say, “I need to draw a boundary with you. Can we talk?” Say instead, “Can I run something by you when you have a moment?” For some, the word “boundary” mistakenly has a confrontational connotation. So, search for words that communicate your message without raising the temperature of the relationship. Be gentle, but wise. For example, it is better to say, “There is a small challenge I would love to discuss,” than to say, “I have a problem with you, and we need to talk about.” It is better to say, “There is a request I’d love for us to explore,” instead of, “There is a mistake I’d like you to correct.”
- The right timing. The right time is when both parties are rested and non-emotional. For many people, this is in the morning.
One last point. It is common to use the word “firm” when describing how to enforce boundaries. Sometimes, yes, you may have to be firm, but why not act well before you have to be firm. Act early. Act calmly. Remember this statement: When it comes to setting boundaries, aim for smooth a conversation, not an awkward confrontation.
To the leader who submitted this question, and all of our readers, thank you for staying with us for this series of questions. Tomorrow, I will answer the final question about motivation in the midst of repetitive work.
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