In the book Breaking the Trust Barrier, J. V. Venable describes how fighter jet pilots conduct civilian air shows, during which they bring the aircraft sometimes within one to two feet of each other, going upwards of 500 miles per hour, and do this at 150 feet off the ground. One mistake—and catastrophe occurs. These pilots learn to develop implicit trust.
In this article, I want to share eight methods that erode trust between team members, leaders, and in relationships in general:
- White lies. White lies are untruths that we justify as permissible because they seem very innocent. We tell ourselves they will not hurt anyone. For example, if you stopped by a donut store on the way to work and it made you late, you may offer up, “I’m sorry, I had an emergency.” And you may even justify in your own mind that your hunger was an emergency. The problem occurs when you develop a habit of bending the truth. People invariably realize this is your habit and trust is eroded, even if ever so slightly.
- Small lies. The difference between white lies and small lies is subtle. While white lies can be internally justified as not really a lie, small lies cannot. Still, we reason and justify them as appropriate. Telling the professor you had a flat tire when you did not, to get away with being late, is a lie. Sometimes people get used to lying. When this happens in relationships, it erodes trust.
- Telling half-truths. Half-truths are technically not lies. They are telling only half the story and omitting the other half. Telling your spouse that you are leaving your job because you got an offer you could not refuse, but failing to mention that you are also leaving the job because your supervisor is demeaning is a half-truth. You may have a reason to withhold the hidden half, but again, over time, as people discover the hidden halves, trust will be eroded.
- Not being transparent. Avoiding transparency is not a lie, however it is damaging to relationships. After all, healthy relationships are built on trust, and trust is derived from transparency. What does it mean to be transparent? It means that your life, your thoughts, and your actions are contained within glass walls. Full transparency happens when the people around you can see right through you. The more transparent we are, the more people trust us. You may think, this makes me too vulnerable. True, if you are around people who have ill-intent. But transparency also makes you trustworthy. This is not a call for naiveté; rather, it is an appeal not to hide if you wish to deepen trust in a relationship.
- That’s not my secret to tell. This is an excuse we give when we know a dangerous secret and we choose not to share it with others, when really we should. If a colleague confides in you that she is about to hurt someone, we know that the right thing to do is to tell the police. How about if your colleague tells you that she is going to betray the company by stealing confidential documents? Is it the right thing to tell your boss? I believe the answer is yes, and that if you don’t tell your boss, when they find out that you knew and chose not to say anything, it will erode trust.
- Not sharing important elements about your life. If people close to you find out about important events when a big announcement is made, or even from another person, it is too late. Trust will be eroded. When this occurs repeatedly, either the relationship is poor, or the principles that the relationship is built on are unhealthy. If you want someone to trust you, share with them the big happenings of your life yourself.
- Not sharing things early. Building on the last point, here you tell a person your big news, but you leave it to the last minute to share. This damages trust. If I tell my leader that I plan to sign up for a PhD program tomorrow, and this is something we have never discussed before, I will erode trust. No one wants to be in a relationship where they are always guessing and wondering what could be happening behind the facade.
- Not predictable. Aim to be predictable with how you handle yourself, your emotions, and your actions. Healthy relationships built on trust develop a rhythm of predictability. People relax around us. They breathe deeply knowing that nothing is going to pop up unexpectedly out of left field. Imagine the fighter pilots I mentioned above. They can highly predict what the others will do, how they will react, and when they will move or change course. Likewise, I believe the ultimate relationships are those in which we know one another so well that we feel each other’s hearts and know each other’s thoughts so clearly and deeply that we can predict one another’s actions and reactions.
I hope your leadership models habits of transparency and truthfulness and that you insist on having the healthiest relationships you can by fueling trust.
How can I support you more as a Christian leader and entrepreneur?
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