Continuing from yesterday’s article, I will answer a leader’s question of what we should do when someone is stirring up trouble.
Building upon the previous article, now that we think of a person who is causing trouble in a healthy way, the following is what I recommend we do.
- Discover the root cause. A few months ago, a person dear to me said that I “tend to be stubborn.” Thinking it could be a slip of the tongue, or a one time emotional flare, I ignored it. But then “stubborn” was used again several times over several weeks. I evaluated their statement calmly. Am I stubborn? Or do I have strong convictions? What is the difference? Am I just at a different level of thinking and growth, and my friend is simply not able to see what I see? After a few weeks of contemplating where I am in this area, I was ready to communicate with the person. First, I wanted to dig deep to figure out the root cause of their statement, and here is how I reasoned it out and diagnosed it. One, people don’t always mean what they say. They want to communicate a concept, and they use the best words they know to accomplish that. Two, in this instance the person was feeling strongly that they wanted me to see their point of view, and not knowing how to handle their emotions about it, they resorted to using a strong word, a label. Leader, work hard and give it time. What is the real reason someone is causing trouble? Without calmly digging and exploring the real cause as best as you can see it, it will be practically impossible to root it out.
- Discover the principles they lack. After diagnosing the underlying cause, a good leader then identifies the applicable principles. For instance, in the above example the person failed to apply the following principles. First, let us refrain from labeling people with words that are hurtful. Second, if we slow down to think, we can come up with better words. What principles is a person in question lacking? After you discover them, practice how you will communicate those principles to them. Again, this is key to dealing with a situation. When you approach a person who appears to be causing trouble, you can protest and strike back, or you can calmly explain what you think the root cause is and which principle to focus on instead.
- Care for them. People care about what we say when we care genuinely about them as a person, not just as a team member. Do you really care about this person, or are your emotions getting the best of you? It is hard to care for someone when you feel like you are getting pummeled by them. Regardless of the hurt, good leaders step away from the fire to contemplate and reflect, then they seek to root themselves in the principle that says we must care for and love people and not be compelled by an instinctive need to react and make them suffer.
- Be clear about what should change. Before you talk to someone who is causing trouble, be clear about the behavior that should change, in what way, and by when. I told the person who called me stubborn on multiple occasions, “I know you did not mean harm by this, but I really think we should be careful with the words we use to describe each other. If it’s okay, ‘stubborn’ is not how I want you to see me and not how I want to see myself. Even though I do not take it personally, going forward, I don’t think it’s healthy to use words to downgrade each other.” I was clear about what change I was asking for, namely, don’t call me stubborn. Then I communicated how I thought the behavior should change with the implication that it should change immediately going forward.
- Expect progress, not perfection. Some behaviors and errors must be corrected immediately and completely. However, in most cases, small, consistent improvements should be our goal and expectation from the people we desire change from.
As we seek to address someone who is stirring up trouble, may we as leaders be mindful of how we see them and be firm, kind, and fair in how we address their behavior. More on setting boundaries in tomorrow’s article.
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