Some people suck our energy, like the mythical vampires suck blood. But is this due to them having poor character traits, or us being immature in certain areas of communication or inability to draw boundaries?
What should we do when we encounter such a person? How should we think about them? Is it even right for a mature leader to diagnose certain people with such a term?
Let me take the last point first.
It is very easy and cathartic to label people. Lazy, unprofessional, energy vampire, deadweight, slacker, drama queen, know-it-all, troublemaker, freeloader, micromanager, backstabber, Negativity Nancy.
This way of understanding people is sophomoric in depth and useless in utility. It begets us looking down, castigating, shunning, and gossiping about others.
Leaders, you must have grace. So, no, we should not think or talk about people in terms of “energy vampires.” This is beneath the high level of “honoring people” that we should operate under.
As a matter of fact, I am certain you and I drain the energy from a number of people. Would you like them to think of us as “energy vampires”? I use the term “energy vampire” in this article as a way to have a conversation on this topic; however, I will aim not to use this term in my thinking or communication to or about anyone.
But you say, ok Wes, but how do you deal with these people, regardless of how we refer to them? Here are some thoughts.
Don’t be afraid to recognize how you feel with interactions with people. How you feel during and at the end of an interaction is important to notice.
The energy level you feel after dealing with a person has to be pertinent, and it is very important in what role you want them to play in your life. If you are looking for a business partner, a life partner, a team member etc., you should not bring someone on your team who drains your energy. Again, the problem may not be them; it could be you. Regardless, when the energy you feel is low, then you will avoid communicating with them, solving problems with them, and thus leading them or allowing them to lead you.
Boundaries are things we put in place to protect what is important to us. I remember while training to be a doctor, some of my professors and faculty physicians made us feel poorly, but we learned so much from them because we were able to have boundaries.
I learned from them, but those professors were not my close friends or family. My boundaries made sure I could still learn, while not allowing them to steal my energy or passion for being a doctor.
The same is true of other people in our lives. I can honor that person, while still keeping my boundaries in place, protecting what is important to me: my energy.
Even if we feel great after an interaction it should not mean that this person should have a higher place in our life, and a person who makes us feel bad should have a lower place.
Another very curious and humbling observation in my life is that even though I had worked on, and continue to work on, myself in the area of leadership and relational maturity, there are still people who bring my energy down, but other leaders around me can handle them just fine. Vice versa is true: other leaders sometimes cannot “deal with” certain people, and I am able to.
The conclusion is that in leadership, you have to do the following:
- Improve your personal acumen to be able to withstand, manage, thrive, and partner with all people. Decide what is important to you, and create boundaries that protect those things.
- Realize that this is a journey, and that at any one point in life and maturity level, there will be people that will drain us. When I was in my 20’s, the percentage of people whom I could not manage, handle, or survive with emotionally was much bigger than what it is today.
Finally, you should not expect perfection from people. It’s ok if people push on our sensibilities. Being in relationships with others is how we grow.
We should not cast people around us in fixed descriptive boxes. People are on a journey of life, a journey of maturity. We should not view them as hopeless in any area. This does not mean that we should gloss over what we are seeing. It is our responsibility as leaders to identify potential areas of weakness in others; however, we should approach what we are seeing with humility to try to help them, and to help ourselves come up with internal skills to deal with those perceived deficiencies.
So, how do we refer to these people whom you struggle with energy with? How do you refer to anyone who has a perceived deficiency?
Here is how I think about and refer to others whom I see a tension or problem. It’s in a sentence, not a word or two. Example:
- I have a concern with this person in the area of communication, in how others feel around them.
- When I interact with this person, I am not able to maintain a good level of energy. Ask yourself if that is about that person, or about you. In reality both of you can – and should – improve all the time.
Is this a cop-out? Is this playing into the politically correct world we live in?
No, this is grace and wisdom in how we deal with people. This is how we love. This is how we lead.
How can I support you more as a Christian leader and entrepreneur?
